Thank God for Weight Watchers

I was talking with an old high school friend a few days ago.  While I was on the phone with him I realized something.  I think being in Weight Watchers has actually helped me through the initial parts of this process.

What do I mean by that?  Well I started to think about it and realized that because I was in the program already I'd learned to recognize the difference between when I physically need to eat and when I emotionally need to eat.  I know without a doubt I'm an emotional eater.

Dealing with this kind of loss without Weight Watchers would have sent me into an emotional eating binge I'm sure.  And the guilt of that would have in turn fed into the emotions.  Plus being in the program gave me something else to focus on.  When I felt I needed to eat I'd focus on what I could eat that would not rack up the points.  I'd tell myself that I had to stick to the program as best I could.  I had to get back to the good habits I established before the loss.  That helped more than I initially realized.

It impacted another aspect of my life as well.  I know that I'm also an emotional spender.  The process of researching and buying something gives me a small amount of joy that lasts until I get the new product home.  It's very likely I would have gone out and spend more money that I needed to (but not necessarily more money than I could afford to because whenever I buy something I always put some thought into if it can be afforded and how long it will take to pay off).  Dealing with the emotional buying is just like dealing with the emotional eating.

So it's become quite apparent to me that had I not started Weight Watchers at the beginning of the year I would be in a much worse position now.  I'm confident the inspiration to start the program when I did was a gentle nudge intended to provide me with the skills I needed to help deal with the emotions the loss has produced.

Whole Wheat Pasta with Homemade Turkey Meatballs

Ok.  So now for a change of pace.  A few days ago I posted my manifesto outlining my newfound dedication to changing my diet and lifestyle.  To further that change I thought I'd pay attention to what and how I cooked dinner tonight and then through the help of nutritional information on the packaging and www.NutritionData.com analyze the recipe for both Weight Watchers points values and nutritional values.

So without further delay here is my recipe for Whole Wheat Pasta with Homemade Turkey Meatballs

Whole Wheat Pasta with Turkey Meatballs (Serves 6)

Ingredients:
1 10oz jar Pasta Sauce (for this recipe I used chunky extra tomato with garlic and onion)
1 12oz box Whole Wheat Penne Rigate Pasta (you can use spaghetti or any other kind of pasta too)
1 lbs 93% Lean/7% Fat Ground Turkey
1/3 of a Large Onion, chopped
1/2 tsp Garlic Salt
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1 tsp Parsley
1 tsp Rosemary

In a bowl combine the onion, turkey and spices.  Once combined separate and roll about 42 equally sized meatballs.  Spray a large non-stick pan with a little zero calorie cooking spray and place the rolled meatballs into it.  Cover and cook over low to medium heat until the meatballs have browned (make sure to roll them occasionally so they brown evenly).  While the meatballs are cooking prepare the pasta according to the instructions.

Once the pasta is cooked I like to heat up my sauce and then mix my pasta in with the sauce so it is all coated.  Dish out the pasta and about 6-7 meatballs per serving.  I'd also serve a side salad of greens with low-fat or fat-free dressing (not included in nutritional information).

You can choose to make larger meatballs.  With 6 servings 42 meatballs means there will be 7 a serving.  If you want larger meatballs you just have to multiply the number per serving by 6 to get how many you'll have to make.  Keep in mind though that smaller meatballs cook fairly quickly.

An even healthier alternative would be to make the pasta and/or pasta sauce yourself, but I really don't have the time or patience for that.

In Weight Watchers speak this is about 8 points per serving.  If you add a salad of greens and a low or fat free dressing that's going to be about 2 more points.  Add an apple or Sugar-Free Jell-O Chocolate Mousse (both about 1 point) for desert and you end up with a satisfying meal that's 11 points total.

Here's the nutritional data provided by www.NutritionData.com.
Serving Size 1/6 of recipe (267g), Recipe yields 6 servings, 406 Calories (90 from fat), 10g Total Fat (2g Saturated Fat), 60mg Cholesterol, 643mg Sodium, 57g Total Carbohydrate (8g Dietary Fiber, 10g Sugars), 24g Protein

Cookie Caper

Ok.  I 'm going to say up-front this is a very stupid overreaction.  Today when I got home I was already in a bad mood.  Getting back to work isn't that easy.  I have time to sit and think things through with no distractions.  And when I got home things where not going as I had expected them to go.  I went out and got the mail and the first batch of Dad's mail had arrived including a couple bills, medical insurance paperwork, and his FINAL paycheck.

That was hard to look at.  Then out of the corner of my eye I see that my mother's husband had grabbed a box of Girl Scout cookies and was opening it.  Not just any Girls Scout cookies, but DAD'S Girl Scout cookies.  The ones his brothers had brought back when they cleaned out his office.

It's not like I was planning on eating them (see yesterday's post), but I also didn't want someone to just grab them without asking.  To be fair to Wayne didn't know their importance, and to be honest I didn't realize it either until that moment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want them to be left untouched to become the "Great Monument of Girl Scout Cookies That Belonged to My Father," but at the same time I don't want them to just disappear unnoticed.  It may sound weird, but I need to get rid of them myself, on my timetable, on my terms.  I need to know where they go and I need to have some say in it.

So I got angry and like I always do I bottled it up, but at the same time made sure everyone around me knew I was angry.  I didn't answer when asked what was wrong.  When confronted with it I denied that this stupid little issue was bothering me.

And it is stupid really.  I know it... you're thinking it... it's just a plain stupid thing to get angry about.  But of course the cookies weren't what I was really angry about.  I lost my Dad.  He's not here anymore and all I have left of him are my memories and the things he left behind.

I think this was just the culmination of so many things that had been building the entire day.  It's not the first time it's happened since Dad's passing and I know it won't be the last.

I Have an Expiration Date...

...and it's Sunday, September 5, 2032. If there's anything positive I can take away from losing my father it's the realization of this date. You may not think it's so positive, but I do and here's why.

My father, Bill Martin, died at the age of 54 years and 13 days. That's the age I will be on the above date. Some people will look at that and be convinced that it's a death sentence, but I'm determined to make sure it isn't.

It's no secret that I'm over the optimal weight for my age and height. It's no secret that can lead to many medical complications including diabetes (beginning stages here), thyroid conditions (again it's started), kidney conditions (again we're headed down that path), heart conditions (nothing to speak of yet), etc. NEWS FLASH, it's also no secret that all of this is preventable for me.

Dad had most if not all of these issues. It cost him his leg and then it cost him his life. It will not happen to me.

Before Dad died I had already started to make changes to my life. I joined Weight Watchers at work (I figured if they were making it a priority, then I would). I changed the way I ate and I started seeing a difference in how my body reacted to the changes (and a very positive one at that). Next I joined the YMCA and began to exercise. I will admit that I'm not exercising as much as I promised myself I would, but I have been trying.

Dad's death kind of threw a monkey wrench into all that of course. To some extent I broke my good eating trend over the days of the funeral. In fact my food log just says "Dad's Funeral" for that Friday and Saturday.

I admit it! I wanted chocolate cake. I wanted a cookie. I wanted to sample all the comforting food that people were bringing for our family, so I indulged, but I tried to reign myself in. I know that I didn't eat as much as I normally would have, and I'm positive I made a few good choices (admittedly though I've make some bad ones over the last week, but I'm changing that).

I haven't exercised either. The night I found out about Dad I was rushing home to change and head out to the Y for another round of exercise. I haven't gone back yet. I just haven't felt like it (for obvious reasons), but I'm determined to change that in the coming week.

I've got to get back on track. Even though I did loose weight last week (which shocked me), I can't get complacent. Like I said, "I have an expiration date." I can't afford to give up now. If I do my life is more than half over with.

I want to be here for 50 more years, not 23. I want to turn my life around, now more than ever. I want to wake up on Monday, September 6, 2032 and spend that Labor Day with my family and friends and remember my father who in dying made sure that I could see it.

(Note: I decided to cross post this on my blog, Facebook and Twitter accounts because at this moment I feel very strongly about this. I want to keep this feeling. So I ask anyone who sees me and thinks I'm slipping to remind me of this post, how much this meant to me when I wrote it, and how accomplishing this goal is the best way to honor my father. If somehow this inspires you or you think it would be inspiring for someone else then I have to say you need to read more, but you do have my permission to forward it on if you want.)

Getting Back to Normal

The title should really be, "What is normal?" Just barely over a week ago today I lost my father, (Bill) William Eugene Martin. A week and it still doesn't feel real. One minute I'm talking to him and a few hours later he's gone.

I wish I could say I have no regrets, but unfortunately I can't. The day he died he tried to call me. It was maybe an hour at most before he slipped away. I had talked to him earlier. And right after I did I put my phone to busy so that I wouldn't get interrupted as I was working on an issue that demanded my attention. Apparently looking at his phone and my call log he tried to reach me a couple times and I regret not getting that one last time to talk to him.

I keep telling myself that I had no way of knowing. That if I talked with him one more time I wasn't going to say anything that would have made a bit of difference in our relationship. That there's nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. That he went quickly and if I had been on the phone with him I would have felt powerless to do anything.

It's just another example of how I can rationalize my feelings, but still can't change the way I feel. It's one of the reasons I don't think therapy will ever truely work for me. I can see what I'm feeling, know why I'm feeling it and know that I need to change it, but I can't actually make the change.

But all this is off the topic I started. The truth is normal for me is feeling sad and lost. I think that's why I don't feel the loss as much as I think I should. To me these feelings are baseline. The only difference are the times I realize something that I'd relied on dad for and how now I have no one to rely on. It's much easier to get me to cry, but sometimes it feels like I have to force myself to cry just so I can get the thoughts and feelings to calm down.

I now feel a temendous sense of responsibility for my brother, Kyle. I'm now the closest thing he has to a father figure. I have to be there for him as much as possible now.

I know, I'm doing my usual rambling jump from topic to topic, but my brain is doing this a lot lately. I think I'm still trying to process the last week and prepare myself for the long months ahead. There is so much to do for the legal process that we're about to embark on. It's deffinately driven home the point that it's never too early to plan for your death.