Cookie Caper

Ok.  I 'm going to say up-front this is a very stupid overreaction.  Today when I got home I was already in a bad mood.  Getting back to work isn't that easy.  I have time to sit and think things through with no distractions.  And when I got home things where not going as I had expected them to go.  I went out and got the mail and the first batch of Dad's mail had arrived including a couple bills, medical insurance paperwork, and his FINAL paycheck.

That was hard to look at.  Then out of the corner of my eye I see that my mother's husband had grabbed a box of Girl Scout cookies and was opening it.  Not just any Girls Scout cookies, but DAD'S Girl Scout cookies.  The ones his brothers had brought back when they cleaned out his office.

It's not like I was planning on eating them (see yesterday's post), but I also didn't want someone to just grab them without asking.  To be fair to Wayne didn't know their importance, and to be honest I didn't realize it either until that moment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want them to be left untouched to become the "Great Monument of Girl Scout Cookies That Belonged to My Father," but at the same time I don't want them to just disappear unnoticed.  It may sound weird, but I need to get rid of them myself, on my timetable, on my terms.  I need to know where they go and I need to have some say in it.

So I got angry and like I always do I bottled it up, but at the same time made sure everyone around me knew I was angry.  I didn't answer when asked what was wrong.  When confronted with it I denied that this stupid little issue was bothering me.

And it is stupid really.  I know it... you're thinking it... it's just a plain stupid thing to get angry about.  But of course the cookies weren't what I was really angry about.  I lost my Dad.  He's not here anymore and all I have left of him are my memories and the things he left behind.

I think this was just the culmination of so many things that had been building the entire day.  It's not the first time it's happened since Dad's passing and I know it won't be the last.

I Have an Expiration Date...

...and it's Sunday, September 5, 2032. If there's anything positive I can take away from losing my father it's the realization of this date. You may not think it's so positive, but I do and here's why.

My father, Bill Martin, died at the age of 54 years and 13 days. That's the age I will be on the above date. Some people will look at that and be convinced that it's a death sentence, but I'm determined to make sure it isn't.

It's no secret that I'm over the optimal weight for my age and height. It's no secret that can lead to many medical complications including diabetes (beginning stages here), thyroid conditions (again it's started), kidney conditions (again we're headed down that path), heart conditions (nothing to speak of yet), etc. NEWS FLASH, it's also no secret that all of this is preventable for me.

Dad had most if not all of these issues. It cost him his leg and then it cost him his life. It will not happen to me.

Before Dad died I had already started to make changes to my life. I joined Weight Watchers at work (I figured if they were making it a priority, then I would). I changed the way I ate and I started seeing a difference in how my body reacted to the changes (and a very positive one at that). Next I joined the YMCA and began to exercise. I will admit that I'm not exercising as much as I promised myself I would, but I have been trying.

Dad's death kind of threw a monkey wrench into all that of course. To some extent I broke my good eating trend over the days of the funeral. In fact my food log just says "Dad's Funeral" for that Friday and Saturday.

I admit it! I wanted chocolate cake. I wanted a cookie. I wanted to sample all the comforting food that people were bringing for our family, so I indulged, but I tried to reign myself in. I know that I didn't eat as much as I normally would have, and I'm positive I made a few good choices (admittedly though I've make some bad ones over the last week, but I'm changing that).

I haven't exercised either. The night I found out about Dad I was rushing home to change and head out to the Y for another round of exercise. I haven't gone back yet. I just haven't felt like it (for obvious reasons), but I'm determined to change that in the coming week.

I've got to get back on track. Even though I did loose weight last week (which shocked me), I can't get complacent. Like I said, "I have an expiration date." I can't afford to give up now. If I do my life is more than half over with.

I want to be here for 50 more years, not 23. I want to turn my life around, now more than ever. I want to wake up on Monday, September 6, 2032 and spend that Labor Day with my family and friends and remember my father who in dying made sure that I could see it.

(Note: I decided to cross post this on my blog, Facebook and Twitter accounts because at this moment I feel very strongly about this. I want to keep this feeling. So I ask anyone who sees me and thinks I'm slipping to remind me of this post, how much this meant to me when I wrote it, and how accomplishing this goal is the best way to honor my father. If somehow this inspires you or you think it would be inspiring for someone else then I have to say you need to read more, but you do have my permission to forward it on if you want.)

Getting Back to Normal

The title should really be, "What is normal?" Just barely over a week ago today I lost my father, (Bill) William Eugene Martin. A week and it still doesn't feel real. One minute I'm talking to him and a few hours later he's gone.

I wish I could say I have no regrets, but unfortunately I can't. The day he died he tried to call me. It was maybe an hour at most before he slipped away. I had talked to him earlier. And right after I did I put my phone to busy so that I wouldn't get interrupted as I was working on an issue that demanded my attention. Apparently looking at his phone and my call log he tried to reach me a couple times and I regret not getting that one last time to talk to him.

I keep telling myself that I had no way of knowing. That if I talked with him one more time I wasn't going to say anything that would have made a bit of difference in our relationship. That there's nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. That he went quickly and if I had been on the phone with him I would have felt powerless to do anything.

It's just another example of how I can rationalize my feelings, but still can't change the way I feel. It's one of the reasons I don't think therapy will ever truely work for me. I can see what I'm feeling, know why I'm feeling it and know that I need to change it, but I can't actually make the change.

But all this is off the topic I started. The truth is normal for me is feeling sad and lost. I think that's why I don't feel the loss as much as I think I should. To me these feelings are baseline. The only difference are the times I realize something that I'd relied on dad for and how now I have no one to rely on. It's much easier to get me to cry, but sometimes it feels like I have to force myself to cry just so I can get the thoughts and feelings to calm down.

I now feel a temendous sense of responsibility for my brother, Kyle. I'm now the closest thing he has to a father figure. I have to be there for him as much as possible now.

I know, I'm doing my usual rambling jump from topic to topic, but my brain is doing this a lot lately. I think I'm still trying to process the last week and prepare myself for the long months ahead. There is so much to do for the legal process that we're about to embark on. It's deffinately driven home the point that it's never too early to plan for your death.

The Movie Marathon Weekend That Opened My Eyes

Ok. This weekend I went to the Palace West for the Star Trek Movie Marathon. I only saw 2, 3, 4, and 6. I was tempted to see Generations and wanted to see First Contact on the big screen again, but I had Dungeons & Dragons on Sunday and they're not playing at good times during the week. I'd never seen 1, 3, 4, 5, or 6 on the big screen, so this was a treat.

What I noticed the most though was the fathers and sons and even fathers and daughters that came out. It was not a sold out show by far, but the people who were there enjoyed themselves. I saw people I hadn't seen in a while and shared laughs with total strangers.

It all clicked for me again. I remembered why I became a fan in the first place. I remember watching Star Trek II on the TV with dad for the first time. I remember coming home from grade school and catching reruns of the original series. I remembered watching new episodes and reruns of Next Generation and Deep Space Nine every night before going to sleep.

I wouldn't have been interested in science, math, and computers if it weren't for Star Trek. They were common interests shared with my brother, Kyle. They connected me with Kurt, my best friend in high school. They were also common interests shared with other classmates like Lisa, Erik, Zach... all of whom I considered friends at one time or another.

In fact Star Trek is the link in the chain that led me to my current group of friends. The joy I got from being a fan of Star Trek is why I joined the USS Jeanette Maddox, a Wichita Star Trek club that does volunteer work, fund raising, and just gets together once a month to talk. I'm normally a shy person, but the common connection of being a fan is what enabled me to push past it and send the e-mail asking to join.

In that club I met Roman and Rolando. Roman then got me to go to a Living Greyhawk game day. For those of you who don't know what that is it's a worldwide game of Dungeons and Dragons. The company that makes the game puts out free adventures set in the world that anyone can run and play in. Locally you'll get together 7 people (6 players and 1 dungeon master) and play one of the adventures at the game day. The adventures tell an overall story and at the same time your character builds up his or her history based on the games that you played and their outcome. It's dice and paper and pencils and math (lots of math) and people talking in funny ways with funny accents and (at least with the people I play with) plenty of locker room humor and phases with double meaning.

Anyway I continued playing in Living Greyhawk game days where I met Mason, Tom, John, Eric, Clint, Dave and many, many more. From there Mason (by way of Rolando's free invite) helped get me in to Tom's game (which has since become Tom and John's game) where I met Rick, Chris, Bryan, and Kirk. Now we get together at least every other Sunday to play a game, tell jokes, and just have fun.

My fandom has diminished over the years. I am in no way a crazy trekkie, but still I'm amazed at how much Star Trek had an impact on my life. If I hadn't sent that e-mail to the Maddox I doubt I would have as many good friends as I have now. In fact everyone I've tagged in some way I met or got to know better because of Star Trek (and these are just the ones on facebook).

Star Trek helped bring people into my life in a positive way and has always inspired me to impact other people’s lives in a positive way. That is a testament to Gene Roddenberry and his dream of the future.
So now I'm waiting with anticipation for May 7th, 2009 at 7pm when the next Star Trek movie will hit the big screen. I'm a bit more excited then I was last week, and even more happy that I have friends that I'm going with. And who knows I may even make a few more friends standing in line at the theater. And to think it's all because of a TV show... fascinating.

Working Saturday's Sucks

The title says it all. It wouldn't bother me so much but they made the decision to do it with less than a week notice. When we went in on testing Saturdays in the fall we always knew about them months ahead. If they wanted to do quality Saturdays this year they should have told us in December, or at least given us a week's notice.

And of course being salary we don't get paid either. And it's the second one of theses in a row.

Well that's it just a short rant and I've already run out of steam. :) If they ask for next week though I'm not doing it.

Darren